On failing

Rats asses

I can’t believe I’m here again.

Challenge failed, or at least stalled… and about six weeks since my last log in on WordPress.

Why can’t I just post regularly like other people?

Some reasons:

– A feeling of dread that, when embarking on something (example a drawing), it will seem terrible and pointless in the end.

– That such conclusions will lead to the gaping realisation of my own insignificance in creation.

– As such I favour other, more productive tasks, such as elaborate meal preparation, viewing some extremely dodgy “alternative health” youtube videos and half assed cleaning.

– Willpower made of marshmallow.

– Feeling that to accomplish anything creative I must have, in the words of Louis Armstrong “all the time in the world”

– Realisation that such a feeling can only be the unrealistic product of someone whose life and time have been spent largely in areas that are either reactive (Hello, you seem to have had a medical emergency of some kind, I will endeavour to react appropriately), or hopelessly open-ended (Bonjour/Buenas, I’m learning your language, something I can never hope to conquer as a native child of five might) and never having really produced anything in my puff… even my degree thesis ended up being a deconstruction of a histology department’s own crazy brand of mathematics (it turned out to be not really mathematics, which was the problem) and instead of proposing and testing a hypothesis, I dismantled their criteria for testing various hypotheses. This was a kamikaze move in terms of my own project, but I had unwittingly brought down the projects of two innocent bystanders, and understandably the department weren’t too happy about it.

– Hence I’m nervy about creation, production and all that.

– And have the tendency to become easily sidetracked.

I won’t ask you to watch this space. Even I reckon I’ve go to keep my expectations realistic.

The only useful advice I have for you is not to scroll through “Rats asses” on google images.

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4 thoughts on “On failing

  1. I share your sense of dread and diatractedness, sister! This is exactly why I set my art challenge to a number of drawings, and not one-a-day. Maybe that would work for you too? That way it doesn’t seem like a chore, or a responsibility you fail to maintain, on those days or weeks that you’d even prefer to be looking at rats’ arses on google, than drawing.

    Like

    1. Ah! A change of strategy! That is a pretty refreshing idea and removes the spectre of a deadline. I strangely seem to want to make something that was once just fun into quite a lot of work… I’ll definitely be giving this some thought!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think I had this problem for a really long time too, it was like I couldn’t justify spending time on something creative. Also I felt that if I wasn’t creating something really awesome I shouldn’t even bother. Forcing myself to do it everyday has helped a lot, and also lowering my expectations. Now everyday I am determined to do more bad drawings and paintings and it’s taken the pressure off a lot. Hope you can find your mojo again soon.

    Like

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